I would so love to be hit by a bus right now, so I could die in the arms of a bowling star.--Deep Note, HIGH SCHOOL (non) MUSICAL

When you think about it, it’s like Area 51. The government’s all “there’s no Area 51, there’s no aliens,” but hiding and pretending it isn’t there doesn’t change the fact that it is. You have to open the doors of your own personal Area 51 and come on out.--Pino, HIGH SCHOOL (non) MUSICAL

A push, a shove--
Where’s the love in words that land like houses on witches?
No wizard to fix this paralysis,
This spectacular silence
That meets acts of violence...--the actor playing Achilles, THANK YOU FOR FLUSHING MY HEAD IN THE TOILET and other rarely used expressions

Who are you ahead of? Most of the time I see you, you’re upside down or flat on your face. How many people does that get you ahead of?--Glinda, THANK YOU FOR FLUSHING MY HEAD IN THE TOILET and other rarely used expressions

The girl down the street--I’d hear her mother tell her every day, “You’ll grow up to be a murdering psychotic who guts your family in our sleep with a butter knife and a pair of knitting needles.” Her mother was wrong about the knitting needles.--Jake, STEALING SAXOPHONES FROM HOMELESS PEOPLE

But LaLaLa never has epiphanies. She's just beautiful.--Eden, SUPERMODELS IN JEOPARDY

Excuse me, but do you happen to be trapped in a dressing room of a collapsed building along with a lot of astoundingly gorgeous people?--Wendy, SUPERMODELS IN JEOPARDY

I once saw a dead man stand up, recite the Gettysburg Address backward and then choke the man standing next to him. They had to pry his ice cold hands off the man's throat.
(beat)
Dead people can do extraordinary things. Don't sell them short.--Cowboy, BEEF JUNKIES

Ever been with a woman who sees giant beef patties floating in the street?--Cowboy, BEEF JUNKIES

I saw a man on the next block wearing a bra and going from can to can, sampling everybody's garbage. He didn't have a tongue. If he's not full, he might want those tongue sandwiches. I think his name is Bob. I think it's Bob because I called him Jesus once and he didn't answer.--Peter, NEVERLAND

I don't think he's God, or Jesus. I think he's just a guy who's got underwear.--Nick, NEWT GINGRICH VISITS A RESIDENTIAL YOUTH FACILITY NOT NEAR OMAHA

I try to love Jimmy. I try to start conversations with him. “Do you need any more black shirts?” or “Is that a dead rat in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?”--Zippy, X MARKS THE SPOT

My Dad got fired, no way I'd wear their T-shirt. It'd be like bein' Jewish and wearin' a swastika. You wouldn't do that—would you?--Hugo, WAR OF THE BUTTONS

You know, I don't like the way you're trying to dehumanize me. I'm not just someone with a nuclear weapon. I don't think you're just someone with a nuclear weapon.--Jennifer, A-BOMB WEDDING

Surrender immediately, or I'll kill this dog.--Police Captain, BOOKENDS

I have a scar. Do you want to see it?
(beat)
If you look at my scar I'll go back 'cross the street. Do you want to see it?
(beat)
You can't, 'cause it's psychological.--Christian, LAST RIGHT BEFORE THE VOID

Oedipal rhymes with edible.--Johnny Doe, PLAY'S END

I put my finger on the President's face. I put my finger right on his face.--Nick, NEWT GINGRICH VISITS A RESIDENTIAL YOUTH FACILITY NOT NEAR OMAHA

I wish I was bleeding. I wish I cut my leg so I was bleeding, and you had to take care of me.--Ben, BEN

A trash baby could eat on these pants for a week, two weeks if it was careful. Or little. Like a mouse.--Lady Shakespeare, BEN

Stop feeling up the bread!--Michelle, BEN

We can’t be a real family without a TV. You ever seen a family without a TV?--Candy, SHINING SEA

You shouldn't name rats.--Candy, SHINING SEA

Now you know the whole crowd is thinkin’ the white kid is the white filling, and the black kid is the cookie crust. So there’s this incredible “what the fuck” moment when Jack, the white kid, says he’s the cookie crust.--The Wrestler, YARD WARS

You can barely see the blood in the sky now. All the light’s gone out. It’s the end of the world.--Candy, SHINING SEA

I always said that when I got married, I’d do it once and that would be it. Because that first time, that’s when it’s magic. Everyone watching me walk down that aisle, and he’s waiting there. And as I walk, my life becomes beautiful.--Violet, SHINING SEA

I can understand why Emmett wanted to disappear. He just wanted to make it through the day without crying or screaming or wishing he was dead.--Student from the scene titled "Disappear," AFTER MATH

Kinda small for the apocalypse.--McHale, PEPPERONI APOCALYPSE

Do you know what it feels like to have the only child at the swimming pool who deliberately tries to land on his head when he jumps into the water?--Mother, LE^APERS

One minute I’m teaching the kids addition and subtraction, and the next thing I know I’m face down on the carpet with twenty tiny hands tugging on my shoulders and asking me if I’m OK. Except for Annette Pardee, who’s asking me if I’m dead, and if I am, can she have my spleen for her diorama.--Tabitha, MENAGERIE

This doesn't make up for shooting me.--Daniel, THE WASH

You can't just come down here with a nuclear weapon and no plan.--Jennifer, A-BOMB WEDDING

She smelled so bad the other day from cleanin' up vomit, I had to go find a skunk just to drown her out. --Ticker, WAR OF THE BUTTONS

My father—something, a butterfly—landed under his nose. He sneezed. A soldier thought he wasn't quite dead and put a bullet in his head. A butterfly killed my father.--Siggy, WAR OF THE BUTTONS

Mommy's psychic. She gets hunches that she'll have to bolt out of the house after her children kill people and call the police.--Marge, MILK AND COOKIES

It’s a little off-putting to watch the moderator polishing the guillotine while you’re talking, but just don’t look at him. What I do is pick a spot on the wall.--Marie, SUDDEN DEATH DEBATING LEAGUE

It's only luck you don't have the blood of an innocent, purple-headed boy on your hands. --Rufus, MILK AND COOKIES

I'm brave. It's my just my hand is afraid.--Simon, TEN MINUTES

KEEP CHECKING BACK, AS I ADD NEW QUOTES REGULARLY!!!

LIKE WHAT YOU SEE? CLICK ON THE TITLES TO READ MORE ABOUT THE PLAYS!

Search